Don't Mess With Bes
The cobra-slinging Egyptian protector god you never knew about
When I was a kid I had an obsession with the ancient Egyptians. Did every kid, or was it just AuDHD me, with my laserlike special focus? In any case, I was fascinated by the depth of Egyptian history. I was amazed by the size of the pyramids, and puzzled as to how they’d managed to construct them. I was mesmerized by their pantheon of animal-headed deities, and their weird mummification practices, and their beliefs about what happened after you died. I was growing up on a tiny island where all the energy went round in circles, and the idea of such a linear civilization hemmed in by desert and thriving just in a tiny riparian corridor…wow, what was that like?
My encyclopedias covered all the Egyptian gods you’ve already heard of: Osiris, Ra, Isis (who had a badass 1970s TV show), Set, Horus, Bast, Hathor…but they left out a lot too.
And…there’s that whole phallus thing again. As an adult, I had friends who went to Egypt and sent me pictures of bas reliefs with various gods sporting huge erections. I was in my 20s and had had no idea that this was a thing.
…Funny how Britannica never mentioned this.
There was also a whole host of gods that were perhaps just too weird for mid-late 20th Century western sensibilities. Among them was Bes:
You think of Egyptian art as always showing any figures in profile. Gods, humans, animals, whatever—always seen from the side, or at least in twisted perspective. The exception was Bes. Always shown full frontal (usually as a statue), grimacing at the viewer, and dual-wielding snakes. He was a protector-god, a dwarf (dwarves were sacred to the Egyptians), and he was the patron of every household. He scared away the bad guys, he brought good luck, he watched over children, and he protected women in childbirth. All around awesome dude, and someone you’d want in your corner.
Holy cats, that’s a lot of snakes…they’re even coming out of his kneecaps!
He was also always depicted “ithyphallic”—i.e. with his wang out, and sometimes with it erect. These things didn’t disturb the ancient Egyptians nearly as much as they do our current overly-fastidious culture…
Anyway, I felt like he deserved a bit of an outing. I painted him, and then I turned him into a vector and made him into a decal. Feel the need for a little extra protection? He’s your guy.
